Take Five
by Cassandra Hart
Summary: A collection of "Five Things" oneshots. All seasons, various pairings. So take five minutes and read it!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five times Vala got SG-1 in trouble. Not that there were only five times…

**Pairings:** You could read it as Daniel/Vala, if you like

**Setting:** Season 8+

**Warnings:** None

**Author's Note:** I wanted to try my hand at the "Five Things" challenge, so…here we are. I'm planning on writing a bunch of them, with various pairings and characters (warning: some of them will be slash). If you have any suggestions or topics you'd like to see, please tell me in a review. Hope you have as much fun reading these as I do writing them!

TAKE FIVE

_Five Times Vala Got SG-1 in Trouble_

1) On the planet of the really wealthy aliens

"There was a giant heap of them! How was I supposed to know they would miss one little gemstone?" Vala argued.

Cam looked at the giant ruby and sighed. "That ain't so little, Vala."

"But they've got loads of jewels! Can't they just spare _one_?"

Teal'c raised an eyebrow as he stared down the barrels of the aliens' guns. "I believe not."

…………

2) On the planet of basically mute aliens

"Okay, it seems these people have sworn some kind of religious vow not to talk," Daniel whispered. "It's a little hard to figure out what they're trying to say—my sign language isn't that great—but I think they believe that speaking loudly is disrespectful to their gods. And—"

And before Daniel could finish the vitally important impromptu briefing, Vala laughed. Loudly. Which turned out to be a cardinal sin.

"Since when was laughing a good reason to kill anyone?" Vala yelled, as they ran for the gate, because at that point, it didn't really matter how loudly they spoke.

"Shut up," Daniel said, and never meant it more in his life.

…………

3) On the planet of the ridiculously chaste aliens

"It was like a train wreck, sir," Cam later reported to General Landry. "You could see it coming, but there was really nothing you could do to stop it."

Daniel tried, of course. He told them Vala had been married, which was actually true. He would have told them she had remarried, but she propositioned the chieftain's eldest son, and then there was no helping it. Of course, Vala _had_ to made a few joking comments about sleeping with Daniel and/or Cam…

They barely made it out alive, and then only after Daniel "married" Vala and made her promise not to jump any more alien men. Or women. Or…anything.

…………

4) On the planet of the chauvinistic aliens

Vala never did take an insult well. When it was all over, Cam quietly sent a prayer of thanks to whatever deity was out there for prompting him to make Vala take extra hand-to-hand combat classes. He had to admit he was pretty impressed. She'd practically fought every man in the village.

He also made a note to never get in her way when she was _seriously_ angry.

…………

5) On Earth

"Well, this is new," Daniel muttered.

"On the contrary, Daniel Jackson. We have been incarcerated several times in the past," Teal'c observed.

"But never on Earth," Sam mumbled. "My career is over."

"General Landry is going to kill us," Cam agreed. "You think we can plead alien influence?"

Daniel looked thoughtful. "Well, technically, Vala _is_ an alien…and she did get us rather spectacularly drunk. Where did you get that stuff?"

"I told you, it's an extremely rare and highly-prized form on liquor on many planets," Vala sniffed. "It's hardly my fault you've all got such a low tolerance for alcohol. And you must admit, the lack of a hangover is a plus."

"What's your excuse?" Cam demanded. "_You_ weren't that drunk."

Vala shrugged. "It was a dare, Cameron. How was I to know that your planet had laws against public nudity?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five ways SG-1 bonds as a team.

**Pairings:** None

**Setting:** Seasons 1-7

**Warnings:** None

TAKE FIVE

_Five Ways SG-1 Bonds as a Team_

1) Movie Nights

"_Again_?"

"I find it to be a most enjoyable movie, O'Neill."

"But we watched this already! There are tons of great movies out there, T! You should branch out! Try some new things! What's the point in watching the same thing over and over again?" Jack pleaded.

"It is enjoyable," Teal'c repeated.

"Carter, Daniel, back me up on this!" Jack ordered.

Sam looked at her CO and shrugged. "We could do something else, sir."

"Scrabble?" Daniel suggested cheerfully.

Jack eyed the mischievous grins that his "geeks" were sporting and sighed. "_Star Wars_ it is." Behind his back, Teal'c shared a smile with his other two teammates.

…………

2) Over Dinner

"Mmm…nothing beats a good Earth-grilled steak and a beer," Jack said contentedly.

"Did you not appreciate the food of P7X-219, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

"Which planet—"

"The aphrodisiac stew, sir," Sam answered, blushing slightly.

"Oh." After a moment, Jack mumbled, "Well, yeah, but…"

"I didn't mind the food so much as the after-dinner orgy," Daniel muttered, his cheeks bright red.

Teal'c smiled smugly. He, of course, hadn't been affected.

…………

3) Holidays

"You guys got any plans?" Jack asked brightly, as they headed down to the locker room after their last pre-Christmas mission.

"Not really," Daniel replied. "I was just going to finish that Aztec translation."

"I think my father's doing something for the Tok'ra," Sam stated thoughtfully. "And Mark is abroad. I thought I might hang out with Janet and Cassie."

"T?"

"I have not made any plans for this holiday," Teal'c admitted. "I feared we might be delayed, as we were last year."

Jack winced, remembering the Jaffa ambush that had fallen on Christmas day the year prior. "Well, hopefully that won't happen again. So, uh…my place again?"

"I'll bring dessert," Sam agreed quickly.

Daniel nodded. "I'll bring the alcohol. Teal'c and I will come over early and help you set up."

"Indeed."

…………

4) Alien Rituals

"You've got to be joking, Daniel!"

"Jack, you don't want to insult them—"

"I don't want to make them die of laughter either!"

"It's not that bad, really. Look, we're all wearing them."

"I am _not_ going outside in a dress to dance around a maypole! I don't care what kind of sacred custom this is, it's ridiculous!"

"I believe this garment bears more resemblance to a toga," Teal'c commented.

"Toga, dress, whatever! I won't wear it! And _singing_? Forget it!"

"This planet has a pretty large deposit of naquadah, sir," Sam reminded Jack delicately. "And as Daniel said, we're all doing this."

Jack stared at the toga-thing, his face crumbling as he resigned himself to the humiliation. Snatching the scrap of cloth, he ducked behind the curtain and began to change. "I don't want a word of this going into the mission report," he growled. "And after today, we will never speak of this again. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," Sam said crisply.

"Whatever you say, Jack," Daniel drawled.

Teal'c inclined his head. "As you wish, O'Neill. This incident shall join the many incidents which you have instructed us never to disclose."

"Damn right it will," Jack grumbled. "Fine. Let's get this over with." He stormed out, not noticing that Daniel was fiddling with the camcorder…

…………

5) Under Threat of Impending Death

"Anyone else getting déjà vu?" Jack inquired lazily as he surveyed the prison cell.

"This is the eighth time this year," Daniel grumbled. "And it's only March. Oh, look, they're setting up nooses outside. I think they're going to hang us. It could take a while, though. These people have no clue how to build a proper scaffold."

Jack shrugged. "Well, while we're waiting to die…anyone up for a game of cards?"

"You brought cards, sir?" Sam asked, surprised.

"Hey, I get bored," Jack defended himself. "You and Daniel go off to look at rocks, and there's nothing for me to do. Most of the time, anyway. I was just teaching Teal'c how to play Go Fish."

"Deal me in," Daniel said agreeably.

"Carter? Teal'c? You playing?"

"Uh, all right."

"Indeed."

Three hours later, the rescue team arrived to find SG-1 deeply involved in a game of Crazy Eights, with the native guards looking on in great interest. By mutual agreement and with some heavy bribing, no one ever mentioned this to General Hammond.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five alternate realities that freaked Jack out.

**Pairings:** None

**Setting:** Seasons 1-7

**Warnings:** Quantum mirror/alternate realities

TAKE FIVE

_Five Alternate Realities That Freaked Jack Out_

1) The One Where SG-1 Didn't Exist

"What do you mean, we don't exist?" Jack yelled. "I'm standing right here!"

"I meant the…us…of this reality, sir," Sam said hesitantly. "It looks like we never existed. I mean, my father died in combat, so I was never even born. I don't know what happened to the rest of us, but…we just don't exist here."

Jack put his head in his hands. "I hate that quantum mirror," he mumbled.

…………

2) The One Where Jack Became President

SG-1 was speechless. "Well," Daniel said finally, "this _definitely _isn't our reality." They stared at the television screen, where President O'Neill was emerging from a limousine, surrounded by Secret Service agents.

"Oh for cryin' out loud! What kind of messed-up reality would elect _me_ President?" Jack asked blankly.

"Well," alternate Daniel said, "after the Stargate Program went public and people found out about SG-1, we all became heroes. And then…well, saving the world a couple dozen times makes for a great campaign."

"But still…they couldn't find _anyone_ more qualified?" Jack spluttered.

"It was you or Kinsey," alternate Sam said.

Jack blinked. "Oh. That explains it."

…………

3) The One Where SG-1 Died

"Uh…sir, why is everyone staring at us?" Sam whispered.

"Never mind that, Carter…is General Hammond _crying_?" Jack hissed, panicked.

"Colonel O'Neill!" Hammond exclaimed. "Major Carter, Dr. Jackson, Teal'c…you're alive!" He enveloped the stunned Jack in an enthusiastic embrace.

"Um, yeah, I think so, sir," Jack said slowly, patting his commanding officer's back.

"But…but we saw you die!" Ferretti exclaimed.

Jack groaned. "Still the wrong reality, Carter."

…………

4) The One Where SG-1 Went Rogue

"Um…hello to you too," Jack tried.

"Who are you?" his counterpart demanded. "Why are you impersonating us?"

"We're not impersonating anyone!" Daniel protested. "We're from an alternate reality."

"Carter?" alternate Jack called.

Alternate Sam shrugged. "It's possible, sir."

"What happened here?" Sam asked, looking at the cave where the alternate SG-1 had set up camp. She eyed their mismatched clothing, unorthodox weaponry, and tired expressions. "Is this an undercover mission or something?"

Alternate Jack laughed harshly. "This isn't a mission, Carter. This is our way of living now."

"The NID took over the Stargate Program," alternate Daniel explained.

Understanding dawned in Jack's eyes. "You left."

"We got through the gate before they could stop us. We've been on the run ever since, hiding from the Jaffa and the NID agents," alternate Jack said flatly.

The two teams exchanged glances. Then Daniel pulled out a notebook and a pen. "We can give you some intel on gate addresses and worlds where you might be safe…"

…………

5) The One Where SG-1 Took Over the Galaxy

"It was Sam's idea, mostly," alternate Daniel told them.

Alternate Sam beamed proudly. "It was a lot easier than I expected."

Jack looked at the giant palace (formerly belonging to some Gou'ald) that alternate SG-1 was using as a base of operations. "Done some redecorating, I see," he remarked.

"The gold served a much better purpose as currency," alternate Teal'c stated.

"No, I like it," Jack said quickly. "Much…less shiny."

"You _took over_ the galaxy?" Daniel yelped, still shocked. "_Why_?"

"When the Gou'ald were defeated, they left a huge power vacuum," alternate Sam explained. "Groups like the Lucian Alliance kept trying to take advantage of that. The Jaffa were arguing about their system of government and the alliances with Earth and with the Tok'ra. Some of the Gou'ald, especially Ba'al, were still causing trouble. It was a mess."

"We figured there would never be peace in this galaxy without some kind of intergalactic ruling council," alternate Daniel added.

"And you decided that _you_ should be that ruling council?" Sam asked blankly.

Alternate Daniel shook his head. "Not at first…we wanted to create a council of representatives from the different races. The problem was, there were just too many disorganized peoples who were trying to rebuild their ways of life without the Gou'ald influence."

"Hey, I never wanted to _rule_ anything," alternate Jack put in. "Do you know how much paperwork is involved in this job?" The two Jacks shared a shudder.

Alternate Sam ignored them. "The Trust and the NID were both being a nuisance back on Earth. There was so much infighting…we realized that something had to be done."

"And that something was the conquest of this galaxy?" Teal'c inquired, eyebrow raised far enough to displace his tattoo.

"It was kind of an accident," alternate Jack admitted sheepishly. "We got tired of all the arguing, so we…just took over—said, 'Listen to us, or else.' We didn't expect it to be permanent, but the next thing we knew, we had control over half the galaxy. We figured we might as well go the whole way."

"Jack, only you would take over the galaxy by accident," Daniel sighed. "Let me guess: fishing is now the official galactic sport?"

Alternate Jack's eyes lit up. "That's a great idea! Carter—"

"No, sir, we are _not_ making fishing the galactic sport," alternate Sam said wearily. "Daniel, please stop giving him ideas. He already introduced the Jaffa to the Simpsons."

Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c winced. "Let's go home," Daniel murmured to Sam.

Later, when they had finally gotten back to the right reality, Jack tried to imagine ruling the galaxy. He wouldn't have thought it possible…and yet, he'd seen a reality where it was actually happening. Huh. Well, it was just more proof that his team could do anything they set their minds to.

Now perhaps it was time Bra'tac met Homer Simpson…


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five things Teal'c misses about being First Prime. And five things he doesn't.

**Pairings:** None

**Setting:** All seasons

**Warnings:** None

TAKE FIVE

_Five Things Teal'c Misses About Being First Prime_

1) The Security

When he was First Prime, he had a house, presents, income…he was secure in his position as favored of Apophis. His wife and child were provided for. He never had to worry about having his loyalties questioned, or about being taken away to be studied because he was an alien and a Jaffa. He had no concerns about losing his job, so long as he fulfilled his duties and didn't die. He didn't have to worry about changing commanding officers or corrupt politicians.

And on top of that…when he was First Prime, he didn't have to worry about body-swapping, unknown diseases, strange devices that did horrible and unexpected things, time loops, easily-offended aliens…yes, in many ways, serving Apophis was a lot safer than being on SG-1.

…………

2) The Food

There's nothing wrong with Tau'ri food, but sometimes Teal'c misses the dishes of his youth, the delicacies of Chulak, the wonderful meals his wife used to cook for him. There are some foods that he is sure he will never find on Earth. Sometimes, he goes to visit the rebel Jaffa just for the food. Of course, he doesn't tell General Hammond that.

…………

3) The Simplicity

The Tau'ri are a very complex people. Teal'c often finds himself confused by the giving and taking of orders, the immense amount of paperwork, and the inexplicable need to verify and authorize everything. Life was a lot simpler under Apophis: back then, it was obey or die.

…………

4) The Fresh Air

It took Teal'c a while to get used to living underneath a mountain. Sure, he got fresh air when he went off-world on missions, but it was incredibly strange to work in a place with no windows, no breeze, and no sunlight. Sometimes, he feels trapped. Especially when the base is put on lockdown because, once again, something went wrong.

…………

5) The Absence of Vala Mal Doran

When Teal'c was First Prime of Apophis, he didn't know that Vala Mal Doran existed. For that matter, he didn't know that people like Vala existed. He misses that. As the Tau'ri say…ignorance is bliss.

…………

…………

_Five Things Teal'c Doesn't Miss About Being First Prime_

1) The Lies

Now Teal'c _knows_ that the Gou'ald are false gods. And he doesn't have to pretend otherwise. In fact, he can tell anyone and everyone…that is, everyone with security clearance.

…………

2) The Loneliness

Serving under a Gou'ald is not conducive to making close friends. And when all of your "friends" want you to fail so that they can have your job, it's hard to develop close relationships. Teal'c is glad to have Tau'ri friends. They are more amusing and far more loyal that his former companions. Even if he doesn't quite understand their sense of humor.

…………

3) The Deaths

People die at the SGC, but not on the same scale as when Teal'c was First Prime. The SGC doesn't massacre or enslave entire peoples (except by accident). That's one of the things that Teal'c likes best about the Tau'ri, along with their chocolate, scented candles, and the _Star Wars_ movies.

…………

4) The Heavy Armor

Teal'c always hated that armor. It was heavy, cumbersome, hot, and worst of all, unflattering. The helmets were even worse! He much preferred the Tau'ri BDUs. They were more practical and much more comfortable _and_ they came in more than one color.

…………

5) The Gold Glitter

Gold. Everywhere. Teal'c didn't understand the Gou'ald need to overlay everything with gold, but he thought it was…what was that word O'Neill used? Yes, that was it—all that shiny glitter was just _tacky_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five languages Daniel wishes he understood.

**Pairings:** Slight Jack/Daniel

**Setting:** All seasons

**Warnings:** Slash

TAKE FIVE

_Five Languages Daniel Wishes He Understood_

1) Korean

Within seconds of meeting the aliens, Daniel wishes with all his heart that he spent more time studying Asian languages. His Mandarin is acceptable, but that's about it. This language, which sounds like a variant of Korean, is way out of his league. He turns to Jack and recommends sending back to the SGC for another linguist.

Jack stares at him, flabbergasted. "But Daniel…you're the best linguist we have!"

"But Jack, I don't speak Korean," Daniel says, and feels strangely guilty, as if he's failed his team.

…………

2) Braille

Janet promises that the blindness is only temporary, and the effects of the alien drug will wear off eventually, but in the meanwhile, Daniel is dying of frustration. He can't get any work done at all without his eyesight. He can't even read. He thinks to himself that perhaps he should have learned Braille alongside sign language.

Then again, what were the chances that he would ever find Braille on an alien planet?

…………

3) The Weird Alien Humming

Daniel tries to communicate with everything he's got. He tries every language in his arsenal, tries both speaking and thinking. He even tries some humming of his own. Nothing works. In the end, it's Sam who solves the problem just in time, using a machine that converts the alien humming into recognizable sound patterns.

But if he'd known their language, he could have prevented them from imprisoning and half-killing Jack.

…………

4) Technobabble

"Daniel! What's taking so long?" Jack screams.

"I don't know what I'm doing!" Daniel yells back in frustration. He stares at the alien device as if hoping the answer will pop out at him. One of the natives is yelling instructions at him, but technobabble is an entirely different language of its own, and not one that Daniel is fluent in.

Later, when he has time to think about the mission, he wishes he knew technobabble. Maybe then he could have stopped the temple from blowing up.

…………

5) Jack

Jack confuses Daniel. He hugs him, and pushes his glasses up for him, and buys him coffee, and takes him to dinner. They watch movies together, and spend the night at each other's homes, and joke and tease each other. Sometimes Jack looks at Daniel with an odd expression on his face. Sometimes he says Daniel's name with an odd hitch in his tone.

Daniel gets the sense that Jack is trying to say something, in his own, Jack-like way, but he isn't sure what that something is. He really wishes he understood Jack.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five ways Jack says Daniel's name.

**Pairings:** Jack/Daniel

**Setting:** All seasons

**Warnings:** Slash

TAKE FIVE

_Five Ways Jack Says Daniel's Name_

1) Annoyed

"Daniel."

Jack was getting impatient. After all, they'd been exploring the ruins for a whole _fifteen minutes_, and he hadn't gotten to shoot anyone yet. "I need more time, Jack," Daniel said, as he did every time they ran across anything of great archeological significance.

Jack narrowed his eyes. "Daniel…"

Ah, he'd progressed from impatient to annoyed. "Jack, there could be something important here. How would you like it if these carvings were instructions on building a weapon that could defeat the Gou'ald, and we missed it because you were _bored_?"

Jack sniffed, but he gave in, just as Daniel knew he would.

…………

2) Angry

"Daniel! What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that innocent people were about to die, Jack!"

"_You_ could have died!"

"Jack, we risk our lives every time we step through the gate! And you know I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't tried to help those people—"

"Don't you ever do that again, you hear me, Daniel? Ever!"

Jack really only gets angry with Daniel when he's afraid. Afraid of losing him.

…………

3) Urgently

"Daniel! Duck!"

A few years ago, Daniel would have stopped to ask, "Why?" But in those years, he's learned that the Jaffa shoot first and ask questions later. So now he ducks.

"Carter, you and Daniel get back to the gate. Teal'c and I will cover you. If we move fast, we can get there before the Jaffa cut us off."

"But Jack—"

"No buts, Daniel. It's too dangerous. We can send a team back for your rocks later. We need to get out of here while we still can."

"But—"

"Now, Daniel!"

That's when the Gou'ald mothership arrives, and Daniel thinks that maybe he should have listened to Jack. Not that he would ever admit it. No, not even in bed.

…………

4) Seductively

"Daniel! Whatcha doin'?"

"Jack." Daniel didn't look up from the tablet he was examining. "What are you doing here?"

"What, I can't just stop in to say hello?"

"At…1900 hours?"

"I just came to see what you were doing."

"Right. Now, I need to finish translating this—"

"Aw, come on, Daniel. You've been working on this thing non-stop all day," Jack said with a (manly) pout. "Tell me, have you even been off the base this whole week?"

"Of course I have…I went to P7R-311 yesterday with the archeological unit," Daniel replied absently.

"That doesn't count! You haven't breathed any fresh air on _Earth_ in days!"

"Jack, we got back from a week-long trip two days ago," Daniel pointed out patiently.

"Oh. But still, you need a break. Come on, let's get out of here. We can grab some take-out and maybe rent a movie. Whatd'ya say?"

Daniel finally looked at Jack, frowning at the glint in his eye. "Jack?"

Jack smiled, licked his lips, and walked to the door with a very deliberate saunter. "_Daniel_…"

It took a minute for Daniel to sort out his thoughts. Then he nodded dumbly, put his computer on standby, and went after Jack.

…………

5) Gently

"Daniel? Come on, stay with me. You're gonna be fine," Jack whispered.

Daniel blinked, watching as Jack's face slid in and out of focus. "I…I can't feel my legs," he mumbled. "Jack…"

"Hang in there, Daniel. Frasier's on the way—"

The world goes black. When Daniel wakes up in the SGC infirmary, Jack is sitting beside his bed. He lies still for a minute and feels Jack's hand brushing his hair out of his face. Then, in that voice that Jack only uses when he thinks no one can hear him…

"Daniel…"


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five things Jack broke.

**Pairings:** Jack/Daniel

**Setting:** All seasons

**Warnings:** Slash

TAKE FIVE

_Five Things Jack Broke_

1) The Alien Jug

After Jack dropped the alien jug that SG-13 brought back from P9X-225, Daniel kicked Jack out. It took a week of delivering gourmet coffee every morning before Daniel would consent to let Jack back into his office. It took another week before Daniel would let Jack touch _anything_. Not even the chocolate bar stash in his desk.

…………

2) His DVD Player

It was a Christmas present. Jack read two pages of the manual before tossing the book aside and gleefully pushing all the buttons at random. Ten minutes later, there was enough smoke to set off the fire alarm. A box of donuts later, Sam presented the DVD player back to Jack, already programmed, with very clear instructions on which buttons he was allowed to push. Jack thanked her sheepishly before asking if the thing could tape the Simpsons for him?

…………

3) The Stargate

Well, okay, that was an accident. Or so Jack claimed. And if SG-1 just happened to be stranded on an uninhabited planet with a stream full of fish…

…………

4) The Alien Super-weapon

As Jack proudly pointed out, he meant to do it to stop the angry aliens from destroying Earth. Sam was stunned. "Sir, what exactly did you do?" she asked.

"There was a hammer lying over there…I just hit a couple panels," Jack replied. "I _did_ break it, right?"

That's when Sam turned around and wearily explained that all Jack had done was basically dent the box that held the weapon. Disgruntled, Jack proceeded to just blow the whole thing up. If _that_ didn't break it, he didn't know what would.

…………

5) Daniel

The day after he was promoted and put in charge of the SGC, Jack waltzed into the briefing room and kissed Daniel full on the lips in front of a startled Sam and an amused Teal'c. When Daniel could only splutter incoherently for minutes afterwards, Teal'c said, "O'Neill, I believe you have broken Daniel Jackson."

Jack grinned. "Ya think?" Then he kissed Daniel again. This time, Daniel kissed him back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five times Daniel got married.

**Pairings:** Daniel/Janet

**Setting:** All seasons (including the movie)

**Warnings:** None

TAKE FIVE

_Five Times Daniel Got Married_

1) Sha're

Once, Daniel told Jack about his wedding night.

Jack was torn between disbelief and uncontainable laughter. "Let me get this straight, Daniel…you spent your wedding night learning how to speak Ancient Egyptian?"

Daniel blushed. "I didn't know it was my wedding night!" he protested. "It's not like there was a ceremony!"

"They gave you a bath first, didn't they?"

"Yeah, Jack—because nothing says, 'Hey, you're getting married!' like a bath."

"Well, I was just saying…"

"Jack…shut up."

…………

2) Sam

It was a lovely wedding. Great weather. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the flowers were blooming. The bride and groom looked fantastic, even if their smiles were somewhat forced.

"Daniel," Sam hissed. "Is this really necessary?"

"Hey, be grateful," Daniel muttered back. "I managed to convince them we should consummate the marriage back on our own planet."

"Oh?"

"Er, not that we're going to, of course," Daniel amended hastily. "Come on. Would you rather marry the chieftain's son?"

Sam eyed the freckled, pimply, teenaged boy who was leering at her and shuddered. "Right. But you get to explain to General Hammond why two members of his flagship team got married to each other."

Daniel shrugged. "You want me to tell the general that the local chieftain's son was so enamored of you that I had to marry you in front of him so he would back off?"

"On second thought…let's just pretend it never happened."

"Oh, I don't think Jack is going to let us forget…"

…………

3) The Alien Princess

"Why does this always happen to me?" Daniel moaned.

"Oh, stop whining," Jack snapped. "At least you get a nice room, clothes, food, servants…we're stuck in the dungeons, in case you haven't noticed."

Daniel glanced around guiltily. "Uh, I'll see what I can do for you guys. Are they at least feeding you?"

"Sort of. It's some kind of gruel," Sam told him.

"Daniel Jackson. Did King Oryan say what would become of us after you marry his daughter?" Teal'c inquired.

"Er…not yet. I'm kind of hoping I can convince him to let you go."

"We're not leaving you here," Jack objected.

"You can go get backup. I don't think you guys can get me out of here on your own. The, uh, princess seems pretty set on this marriage," Daniel said wearily.

Jack shook his head. "You know, Daniel, I was joking when I said you had a girl on every planet. You don't have to make it true."

Daniel glared. "You're not invited to the wedding."

Luckily for Daniel's virtue, SG-3 burst into the room before the marriage could be consummated. Unluckily for Daniel's dignity, he was already unclothed. The Marines teased him all the way back to the stargate.

…………

4) Jack

Now _that_ was awkward. It was Daniel's fault, really, but how was he supposed to know that sharing a drink would be considered a sign of engagement? He'd lost his canteen, that was all. But the village elders refused to let them leave until they performed the wedding ceremony.

"Jack…"

"Don't even start, Daniel. You're the anthropologist! You're supposed to warn us about this kind of thing!"

"We'd been here for all of twenty minutes, Jack! It can take years to learn everything about a new culture! Come on, it's not like this will be binding on Earth."

"No offense, Daniel, but I am _not_ getting married to you. You ever heard of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'?"

"They can't hold you to it in this case," Daniel pointed out reasonably. "Look, if you like, we won't tell Hammond it's a wedding. We can say it was another local ritual that they asked us to participate in as a sign of goodwill."

Jack considered it. "What do we have to do?" he asked finally.

"Not much. Share a drink again. Hold hands. Recite a couple sentences. Maybe kiss. After that, there'll be a celebration. They'll probably have us share a room for the night, but it's not all that different from sharing a tent on missions. It's not like we have to _do_ anything."

After several moments of deliberation, Jack sighed and acquiesced. "There better be cake," he grumbled.

There was indeed cake, which thankfully made up for the multitude of flowery wreaths they were forced to wear. They manfully struggled through the ceremony, a few chaste kisses, and congratulations from what seemed like everyone in the village. By the time they left, both Jack and Daniel were bright red with embarrassment. Sam and Teal'c were also bright red…from the effort of holding back their laughter.

…………

5) Janet

"Stop fidgeting, Daniel!" Jack whispered. "Look, take some deep breaths and try to relax."

"How can I?" Daniel asked agitatedly. "I…I don't know what I'm doing!"

"Sure you do. You've gotten married loads of times already," Jack argued. "So you've had lots of practice. This should be easy."

"I've never gotten married _on purpose_ before," Daniel countered, before pausing. "Whoa. That sounds weird."

"Shhh," Jack cautioned. "The guests are starting to look at us."

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. "I believe it is time for the bride to enter."

Daniel didn't respond, because right then, the doors opened and Janet appeared.

When the wedding was over, and Janet Frasier was officially Janet Jackson, Jack wandered by and commented, "Hey, Daniel, just think…this was your last wedding. Now you can tell all the alien chicks that you're taken."

Daniel looked fondly at his best man and replied, "Yeah, Jack—I'll just send them all to you!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five people who told Jack about Sam and Teal'c.

**Pairings:** Sam/Teal'c

**Setting:** Season 10-ish

**Warnings: **None

TAKE FIVE

_Five People Who Told Jack about Sam and Teal'c_

1) Vala

When Vala told Jack that Sam and Teal'c were together, Jack didn't believe her. After all, Vala claimed that she had slept with both Daniel and Cam, something that both men stoutly denied. In fact, Jack figured she had only said that to rile him up and get his attention. So he didn't believe her, even though everyone knew that Vala heard _all_ the best gossip.

…………

2) Daniel

When Daniel told Jack that Sam and Teal'c were together, Jack didn't believe him. Sure, Daniel was an anthropologist, but he was not known for picking up on subtle things like that. If he hadn't noticed all those nurses flirting with him for the past decade, how could he have noticed such a relationship? No, Jack was sure Daniel had just imagined things.

…………

3) Mitchell

When Colonel Mitchell told Jack that Sam and Teal'c were together, Jack didn't believe him. Of course, Mitchell was rather drunk at the time. Jack figured that Mitchell was just blowing things out of proportion. You got pretty attached to people when you served in the field with them for years. Sam and Teal'c had a very close friendship. Mitchell didn't know them the way Jack did. If they had anything between them, Jack was positive he would know long before Mitchell did.

…………

4) Sam

When Sam told Jack that she and Teal'c were together, Jack didn't believe her. He just sat there and gaped at her.

"T?" he said finally. "Really?"

"Yes, sir." She answered as calmly as if he had just asked her if she was ready for the next mission.

"_You_ and _Teal'c_?"

"Yes, sir."

Jack spluttered. All he could say was, "Why didn't anyone tell me this sooner?"

Sam coughed. "Uh, sir…if I'm not mistaken, Vala, Daniel, and Cam all told you already."

"Oh. Right."

…………

5) Teal'c

When Teal'c told Jack that he and Sam were together, Jack believed him. Because Vala had said it, and Daniel has said it, and Mitchell had said it, and even Carter had said it. And because…well, it was Teal'c. But what did you say when a Jaffa who was like a brother to you revealed that he was sleeping with your former 2IC?

Jack went back to Washington thinking that life at the SGC had gotten way too dramatic for his liking. He did wonder, though, if Vala was right about Mitchell and Dr. Lam…


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.

**Summary:** Five times Teal'c laughed.

**Pairings:** Slight Daniel/Vala

**Setting:** All seasons

**Warnings: **Some spoilers ("Window of Opportunity," "Unending," etc.)

TAKE FIVE

_Five Times Teal'c Laughed_

1) When Apophis Died

Teal'c laughed when Apophis died. Oh, not in front of his teammates. He waited until he was alone in his quarters and there was no one to see or hear. He turned his back to the security cameras, which he knew did not pick up sound, and he laughed. It was partly joy, partly relief, partly…who knows what. But he laughed, and it felt good. It felt like freedom.

…………

2) When He Told the Jaffa Joke

Teal'c laughed when he told the Jaffa joke about Setesh. His Tau'ri friends stared at him blankly, obviously stunned. Unfortunately, they failed to grasp the humor in the joke. He thought it a shame; that joke was a classic among the Jaffa. Perhaps he would receive more of a reaction if he told it to Daniel Jackson in the original Gou'ald…

…………

3) When He Was Stuck in the Time Loop

Teal'c laughed during one of the time loops, just for fun. Jack was busy with his pottery, so Teal'c wandered around the base, laughing at opportune moments. The stunned and terrified expressions that he got in response amused him greatly, until Sam dragged him off to the infirmary to verify that he was not under some alien influence.

He tried laughing at Janet, but found it quite difficult, considering the size of the needle in the petite doctor's hand.

…………

4) When He Got Drunk on P9R-288

Teal'c laughed when he got drunk on P9R-288. The alcohol they were served during the welcoming feast was so potent that all four members of SG-1 were high before they even realized it was alcohol. Thankfully, none of them remember exactly what happened. But Teal'c is fairly sure that he laughed at some point, perhaps during Daniel Jackson's demonstration of the Earth ritual known as a pole dance.

…………

5) When Vala Chased Daniel…Again

Teal'c laughed when he saw Vala chasing Daniel down the corridors of the SGC yet again. He laughed because he remembered the fifty years that they had spent together on the _Odyssey_, and the relationship that Daniel and Vala had developed in that time. He also laughed because as long as Vala was chasing Daniel, she wasn't bothering him.


End file.
